Max Sharam




ASK MAX

M A X S H A R A M

*.Re: politics too tragic, how about some love advice

Max I've heard you are something of a love guru and I need objective advice, Please help. Is kissing, snogging, pashing whatever you like to call it an act of infedility?
Does it make a difference how long the kiss goes on,? amount of tongue sucking?Etc.
What if you can't stop thinking of that person since?
What about if there is prior history with this person?
 
Looking forward to your considered response.
 
Mick

Mick. I hope you don't mind that I forwarded your email to your girlfriend/wife/partner/boyfriend/spouse. I think he/she should know.

Americans are big on 'making out' - and it's all quite meaningless it seems.
Like giving head.

But for me - personally - if you even get your mouth anywhere near my lips it's  a good indication that I'm going to be seeing you naked. I mean...for me kissing is the stuff of death. Yes. You're guilty. Public hanging. Off  with your head.

They say eyes are the portal to the soul. Thatís why I keep mine open when Iím kissing. Because eyes and lips...itís all the same.

Time to take inventory on your current relationship.


*. from a (FANNY) VALENTINE

Max is Busy Busy

The girl that I love
Has gone to New York;
Too busy  to write -
Too busy to talk.
Now Max is in town,
Upon the sidewalk,
I find that my heart
Is lost in New York.

The girl that I love
Now lives in New York,
With Mickey Dolenz,
And weird Peter Tork.
If she'd be my Mindy,
Then I'd be her Mork
When my spacecraft landed
In downtown New York.

I read in the News
Max had moved to New York
And that some German bloke
Ate his friend, with a fork.
It said that his flesh
Tasted something like porkÇ.
I don't feel like eating,
Now she's in New York.

Itís Valentine Day -
Sheís still in New York.
I shake the champagne
And out pops the cork.
If she was Kim Basinger,
And I, Mickey Rourke,
We'd both drink a toast
To my love in New York.

The girl that I love
Resides in New York.
I drink this slow poison,
Like Clara von Bork,
Whilst a native American
With a large tomahawk
Cuts off my scalp
On my way to New York.

The girl that I love
Fights crime in New York.
She thinks she's Columbo
(Played by Peter Falk),
Who always sums up,
With his blackboard and chalk,
The name of the killer
On the streets of New York.

So Max has received
This verse in New York;
Can she now unravel
The mysterious talk
And found out who wrote it -
Her eyes, like a hawk -
Before it is teatime
In Central New York?

The girl that I love
Has gone to New York;
Because Iím not there,
I feel like a dork.
On ValentineÇs Day
I always feel awk-
ward, 'cos nothing rhymes
With Buffalo, New York.

14 II 04

Dear MysteryMasterMind,

Could you indeed be a woman? Your genius confounds me. Your email alias, baring the less obvious and uncommon name of  Rosamund  is, alas, that of one of the most momentous mentors in my life. Is this a co-incidence or indeed a clue as  to your identity?  Your email arrived (from the uk?) as the phone rang. I casually followed the trail of your delicious wit  then started to read aloud, thus absorbing  my friend on the other end of the line into  your teasing tale... by the time we got to 'Clara von Bork' we were cramped with laughter. The place from whence my heart was stole - burns...Will it grow back?

*

*.The Last Romantic
Dear Max,

it's Valentine's Day; here in London, the sun is shining and the streets are 
filled with people hurrying to meet their loved ones at lunchtime with 
flowers, cards or chocolates in hand. Why is it then that I, one of the last 
true romantics seem to make things into a St Valentine's Day Massacre at 
this time each year? I shall not bore you with previous year's disasters, 
but this year I decided to e-mail an anonymous love poem to a girl in 
Canada, using an e-mail address that should have masked my identity. Alas, 
the gods conspired against me, because I didn't check the 'send options' and 
my real name was emblazoned across the message that she received from me. I 
got the inspired reply: "I'm not sure I know you but uh, nice poem. :)" So 
much for anonymity...

I related the details of my disaster to a colleague who, in return, offered 
me a crisp from a packet marked 'Walker's MAX extra hot'. I hadn't visited 
your site before today - this was a sign, me thought, to seek advice from Max 
Sharam, consoler of the confused. Only she would know what I am doing wrong; 
only she could tell why the heart-wrought poems always brought back 
heart-ache. Only she could explain why, after eating the crisp, my taste 
buds were still burning ten minutes later. Please Max, what am I to do? 
Shelley never had this problem when he wooed Harriet & Mary; Rossetti never 
got rejected by the girl in the milliners shop. I have 364 days to figure 
out how not to do the same again to someone else next year. Any help would 
be most appreciated.

Yours in poetic desperation,

S.T.B

*Dear Last Romantic,
                                         ...are you English?
I used to go out with romantic English boys like you -  who modeled themselves on characters  from Thomas Hardy novels...they all got a bit much for me  (though 
I was sort-of-kinda-hoping that your Valentine message may be for me!!).

This is the sum of my Valentine greetings these days - from the 'love of my life'
(until I fall again) in LA -  whom I cut connections with recently because because because because because I finally realised he had - no heart, only  half  a brain and no balls. At the risk of sounding 'bitter' -  I'm over playing Dorothy to emotional cripples. And  winding down that cold brick road  to find a home?! Hello!! 

Bye bye lover - because because because because, because...then alasÖan email from himÖ 
                      'Dear Sotten Cock

                              Happy Valentine's Day'.

Does he really expect me to care? The thought was there -  no? 

So you see, dear Last  surviving Romantic  - I have problems of my own.
(I never was one for all that  mushy stuff - unless it's spuds with peas & gravy).

But back to more important matters - what record label are you with??

(ps. I lie. I had numerous, tender Valentine messages. Thank you all)
                                                                                                                               xmx
*. Dear Max,
How many bourbons ought one consume during the rituals of seduction? 
I keep getting it wrong. Should I switch to gin mid-flirt if I realise that
it's going nowhere?

With prurient admiration,
M.Vetushka (Micheal Smith)

*You, my darling, are a Words Smith (not a Michael) and could switch to 
anything you so choose..(try switching to something other than flirting - as it isnt really supposed to go anywhere)...but gin is always good.

By the way - did you see the *surprise* ??? {go 'poetry'} 
                          
xmx

*.Dear Max,
I hardly see anyone - basically a RECLUSE .I don't have "F-U-N" - it seems so meaningless & frivolous to go out & do mindless things. I'd much prefer to sit at my computer all day. Scary?! That's basically what I do. I am lucky (like you) that I can travel the world a fair bit, but I was married and that lasted a big 11 months and since then I have kept mainly to myself and work and my internet. I'm actually working part time for an internet service provider .... connecting people to the net and holding internet training classes in a night school situation.
Scary?!

Dear Scary?!
...was she American?
I thought only US marriages lasted such small distances. Did you try to understand what differences you had? Get help? Was it LOVE? One of the greatest achievements (wastes of time!) in my life was 'working' on a relationship-! I really learnt alot about myself, men & women....AND my partner....but atleast it lasted some years! 11 MONTHS hardly makes the Wedding expenses worth it. I hope the sex was good, especially for her cos she had to foot the bill!.

*.Dear MAX :)

As it turned out it was more habit than love. And like you, yes it was a huge learning curve. Luckily it was a mutual break up and we have become very good friends ... AND SHE ISN'T TAKING ME TO COURT!!!!! YIPEE! I've only had a couple of relationships in the last 5 years since my divorce/separation and both have been OK but with travelling and moving all over the place it's hard to keep a relationship going .... I guess you know that feeling!!!!!

Dear Scary?!
Don't forget you've got a friend in Jesus. Stay away from the women - at least that way the thrift shops won't fill up with second hand wedding dresses.

*.Dear MAX
I'm a professional man of similar age to you, and I have been a great listener to your music since I first heard 'Coma'. I missed seeing you in the Armadale Hotel because of a friends illness, and I thought I had really missed out badly. I soon found you were to be at the Prince Patrick Hotel, and made sure that nothing was going to stop me from bring there. I was not disappointed, your performance was fantastic. So good that I was going to go to 'the espy' to see you the following night, but I already had commitments that couldn't be broken.
The reason for the title of this email is because through all my childhood and adolescence in Scotland, there were lots of bands that I could send fan mail to, but didn't. Somehow now though it seems more intimate to send an email directly to a person (although I'm sure this is being intercepted by one of your key fan club members. However if you are in Melbourne and you feel like talking to a fully grown adolescent Scotsman, drop me a note, and maybe I can find you on my huntinground. If this really is getting to you, and you find the time just drop me a line for a chat. You project a zany, quirky image, and I'm curious to find out more about you the person rather than the image. Thanks for your time, thanks for your music, and I do love the image. I hope your success continues.
Best wishes and a little of my love,
Ken

from Houston for MAX SHARAM

Max... I read about you in some magazine, and I keep up with new music... some friend of mine dubbed a tape for me and you were on it... btw, I'm a DJ on KTRU, off season this semester, which is a Houston wide public radio station based at Rice University... .... I like "Coma," I like some of the other songs, a bit over the top maybe sometimes, but incredibly new and interesting... unfortunately, I'm broke and the radio station doesn't carry your CD, I went and checked today... so there... boo hoo hoo...
 ;-) also, I like your label... they've got some of the best new music out right now.
g'luck...
bye now






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